Step 9 AA: When to Make Amends and When Not to

We’re taking accountability for our actions during active addiction, and we’re marking for ourselves a new chapter where those behaviors are no longer acceptable. We’re telling the world, “Addiction made me behave a certain way. I don’t like it, and it doesn’t living amends reflect the person I want to be in recovery.” It’s not our job to quicken their process of accepting us any more than it was their job to help us get sober. Forgiveness may not come on our timetable, but what gives us the right to set the timetable?

Gus has so honestly talked about his kids and the abuse situation there. That’s part of me owning the fact that I gave up my right to say, “Well, that’s just unfair,” https://ecosoberhouse.com/article/alcohol-relapse-signs-symptoms-stages-stats/ or, “Do you realize how this hurts me? If I want to make amends for the crap that I put my wife through, I have to be willing to drudge through the trenches.

How Can An Abuser Make Amends With His Wife?

For the sin we committed by causing survivors and victims to lose faith because of our delays and inaction. For the sin we committed by honoring individuals who caused harms. For the sin we committed by not acting swiftly to take responsibility for the acts of sexual or other harassment and abuse that have taken place in our institutions. One of the 12 Steps is making amends, and that action is intended to heal both parties involved.

If you physically assaulted someone or committed theft, a way to indirectly make amends would be to volunteer in a shelter or take part in a program that will directly benefit others who need assistance. Sometimes, people who were involved in a drunken driving accident may take the step to become an organ donor. These are all selfless examples of how making indirect amends can help to heal a situation. We understand that fact and don’t choose to run from it, and we understand that words cannot make those painful memories disappear. We can only become who we intend to be, and acknowledge to others that those addictive behaviors have no place in our lives from here on out. Before and after making amends, it’s important to remember why we’re doing it in the first place.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

Below, experts at Hazelden Betty Ford’s Connection™ recovery coaching program answer frequently asked questions about this reconciliation process and why it’s so vital to addiction recovery and spiritual health. For every time you said you’d be there or that you’d help someone do something and didn’t show up, you’ve left an impression upon that person that they can’t rely on you to keep your word. You can start making amends by showing up, even if it’s years later, to do the things you said you’d do.

• Today, I know my words have value whether they pay attention or not.
• The process of making amends is not about us fixing everything—that comes in time and from going to meetings, attending to our recovery and cultivating a relationship to a Higher Power.
• We also provide regular drug and alcohol testing, professional peer recovery support programming, a three phase recovery program, volunteer placement services, and employment and educational support.
• At the heart of this step is the need for forgiveness and restoration—forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and making amends.
• And remember, if you are feeling ashamed about mistakes made and damage done during your using days, you are not your disease.
• You don’t have to be the best son or daughter, and you don’t need to be an ideal parent, but you need to show up when you make promises to do so.

However, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed at your new, honest and sober lifestyle. You can still be true to that by making an honest apology and not making excuses for why you didn’t follow through. Then, the next time around, make sure to make good on your word. When the person you owe reparations to has died, you can still make living amends by changing things about you and how you live your life.

What are the Types of Amends?

But, also, most of us do want to get better, most of us do want to change and will do what it takes. That’s really something that’s been weighing on my mind when you asked these questions. Getting into Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is also essential so that you can jump onto a live face-to-face session online with one of our coaches at any time. We have multiple sessions a day in multiple time zones.

It follows, then, that Step Nine is a challenging step. Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting. Making any type of amends can be challenging, but in this article, we’ll focus on living amends and tips for how to make them.

The 8 C’s Coloring Book That Helps Kids Cope

If we are honest and sincere about our amends, then we will not repeat those mistakes, and we will not rush people to forgiveness. We will honor the emotional consequences that stem from our behaviors, and seek to become healthier so as not to repeat them. If we want to be forgiven, we have to be patient, because it may not come today, tomorrow or the next day.

It can be tempting to say things like “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you,” but try to avoid these blanket statements. They miss the opportunity to be truly reflective about how your wrongdoings have impacted the other person and can be misread. The other person may hear the same statement as exasperation with them or a minimizing of the ways you’ve hurt them. Instead, try to reference specific times when you hurt the other person and/or let them down.

The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing. If one of our articles is marked with a ‘reviewed for accuracy and expertise’ badge, it indicates that one or more members of our team of doctors and clinicians have reviewed the article further to ensure accuracy. This is part of our ongoing commitment to ensure FHE Health is trusted as a leader in mental health and addiction care. That is, you can’t push it to the side or avoid it because of embarrassment. The problem is there, and that person is in front of you right now. Of all the 12 steps, Step 9 is often referred to as particularly challenging.

The spiritual purpose of making amends is to find inner peace, freedom, release, and rebirth. While this step involves a direct exchange with another person, its goal has everything to do with healing and addiction recovery on the part of the person making the amends. For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit. Whether it was apologizing for being late for work, missing an event, misusing property or stealing money to support an addiction, expressing remorse was likely a daily occurrence.

He Can Make Amends By Radically Changing His Behaviors

And then, of course, there is a request forgiveness. That is also a different ball of wax entirely, one that we have written about here. It’s much easier to just apologize and move on, but committing to living your life differently looks different. It requires ongoing and conscious effort to change.